| It's been awhile since writing one of these entries, but I feel like I needed to take some time to process what God has been speaking in my life. So when I write words like "you" I'm not trying to preach to you the reader. I'm mostly speaking to myself, but if God would so will to bless you with this as well (this time I'm talking to you the reader hehe) then glory be to Him.
I've been listening to a few biographical sermons on my ipod or computer; looking to the lives of such missionaries such as Adoniram Judson and most recently John G. Paton. Looking at their lives, along with my own fears and troubles that are going on in my own life and future, I've begun to ponder a few things. I'm not talking about fears, like 'I'm scared of the dark', or scared of heights, but about the kind of anxieties and worries in my life that can keep me up at the late night and then wake me early in the morning despite only getting three hours of sleep. Troubles that can bring you to God in tears. This has caused me to think more about what it means to 'rejoice in the Lord always' or as Paul writes in Colossian 1, he rejoices in his sufferings. 'How can this be?' I still wonder. What kind of counter cultural, counter american, counter human statement is that? Many times I read over those words and just attribute it to some kind of superhuman spiritual ability that is beyond my own reach, without really reflecting upon what it requires of me as a supposed follower of Christ. More than simply saying that it's required of me, it's really what I want to be able to do when I read those words. When I try to wrap my mind around this concept, the most I can comprehend is simply rejoicing about my sufferings only when I see the end result of how God was working. But I don't think that is all that Paul is talking about here. Paul writes here that he is rejoicing in his sufferings. I take that to mean, that he rejoices even while experiencing the sufferings. Even without knowing how this is for his good, he trusts in God. He trusts in God so much that he is able to rejoice and be glad! You need to take a pause when reading a sentence like that to fully appreciate what it is saying. The word rejoice is usually used to describe the highest and most elevated state of the soul and heart. So, to read it being used in the same sentence as suffering (and Paul was definitely a man who knew suffering) seems almost contradictory. How can you be happy and say at the same time that you are suffering? Doesn't your happiness void the fact that you're suffering? That's what I've begun to wonder. It reminds me of this quote that I once heard that said "When you can't see God's hand, trust His heart." (Someone find out who said that and comment me haha)When you don't see the master tapestry that God is weaving through your life, and how he is arranging all the threads of expereince in His wisdom and sovereignty, even the painful ones, trust His heart. Do I beleive God is all he says he is? Do I claim all the promises that He gave? Do I lean on all the future grace that the blood of Christ bought on the cross? Do I accept those things and beleive that 'no good thing does he withold from those who walk uprightly?' Do I trust His wisdom that He himself knows, better than I, what is good for me? Do I trust that He is able to do it? Do I beleive that as a child of God, He is pleased to do it? Most importantly, do I live like I beleive it?
So that brings me back to the question, does the joy that Paul is referring to nullify the fact that he is suffering as well? Are you in fact suffering when you expereince joy? Or more importantly, to flip it around, is joy possible at all when there is suffering? How can these two things mesh together? Before you're tempted to simply forget this verse and move on, it's important to note that this isn't the only point in the Bible where these problematic contradictions seem to come together. In 2 Corinthians 6:12 Paul again describes his ministry as "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." What in the world is he saying here? Is it possible? Sorrowful and at the same time, always rejoicing? Yes it is. One reason I'm sure of this is because the Bible says so, and the Bible is never wrong. Case closed? Not quite, if I'm looking for an answer that I can apply to my life. But with many difficult statements that I come across in the Bible, I never try to judge whether the Bible is right or wrong. I let it stand as the absolute source of truth and authority. My part comes in when trying to figure out how to get my finite mind to understand it. So, back to the question. Yes, the pain is real. Yes I'm sure there are times where Paul cried out in flowing tears to God. I sure hope so, if this is to relate to me. But yet there was a gladsomeness that Paul spoke of. A faith that beleived "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Cor 12:9) Do you ever catch yourself, in the moment of feeling absolutely desolate, saying thank you God! This will cause me to depend on you more. Keep me from feeling too comfortable about my life. Keep me from feeling that I dont need you every single step and breath of my life as I so desparately do. Oh, how hard it is to feel this while living our comfortable, pain-free lvies in America. I think this is part of what Paul was writing about. I think that was the source of his joy during those times. He said that he counted all things loss that he may gain Christ. That he may know Him more fully in his life no matter what the cost. There is no security in this world that you can earn for yourself no matter all the planning, determination and work, which separates you from ever needing God to supply your every need. Paul knew that, and I want to beleive it.
This brings me back to the biographies that I've been listening to. No, I did not mention those in the beginning out of pure randomness, if that is what you were wondering. I just wanted to share a little bit about the life of John G. Paton. A man, just like you and me. He suffered, and knew pain in his life, but more importantly he knew God in his life. Yes, I know Paul was also just a man and a sinner following Christ, but sometimes it's easy to get bogged down thinking that this kind of radical devotion to Christ only happened in the Bible.
John G. Paton was born on May 24, 1824 in Dumfries County Scotland...At thirty-two Paton accepted the call to missionary service in the New Hebrides in the South Pacific. In March of 1858 he married Mary Ann Robson, and on April 16 they sailed together for the cannibal island of Tanna. In less than a year they had built a little home and Mary had given birth to a son. But on March 3, 1859, one year after their marriage, Mary died of the fever, and in three weeks their infant son died. John Paton buried them alone, and wrote, "But for Jesus...I'd have gone mad and died besided that lonely grave."
One of the gifts that Jesus had given him to sustain him in those days were the words his wife spoke shortly before her death. She did not murmur agaisnt God in her final sickness, or resent her husband for bringing her to the New Hebrides. Rather she spoke these incredible words: "I do not regret leaving home and friends. If I had it to do over, I would do it with more pleasure, yes, with all my heart." (John Piper, The Pleasures of God, pp. 303-304)
I take the words of her to mean 'If God saw it fit to give this to me, then it must be for my ultimate good in experiencing Him and glorifying Him. I would have it no other way." Mary's parents never recovered from the loss of her daughter, which must've been devastating to John. He endured immense pain, lonliness, and criticism in his ministry, but he pressed on to claim the enitre island of Aniwa for Christ. Embodying the vision of Christ for his life, and sharing his heart for the loss with his wife who died standing by that same vision, John G. Paton pressed on for the joy in following Jesus. He wrote this while hiding in a tree from hostile natives:
I climbed into the tree and was left there alone in the bush. The hours I spent there live all before me as if it were but of yesterday. I heard the frequent discharging of muskets, and the yells of the Savages. Yet I sat there among the branches, as safe as in the arms of Jesus. Never, in all my sorrows, did my Lord draw nearer to me, and speak more soothingly in my soul, than when the moonlight flickered among those chestnut leaves, and the night air played on my throbbing brow, as I told all my heart to Jesus. Alone, yet not alone! If it be to glorify my God, I will not grudge to spend many nights alone in such a tree, to feel again my Savior's spiritual presence, to enjoy His consoling fellowship. If thus thrown back upon your own soul, alone, all alone, in the midnight, in the bush, in the very embrace of death itself, have you a Friend that will not fail you then? (John G. Paton, John G. Paton: Missionary to the New Hebrides, An Autobiography, p. 200)
I find myself in one of those tress in my life right now and so I've been reflecting on these verses about my friend that does not fail me. Alone, yet not alone! Amen.
"Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me; all day long an attacker oppresses me....When I am afraid I put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust, I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?....You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know, that God is for me." (from Psalm 56)
There is something absolutely stunning when thinking about a God who is all wise and all powerful that is on your side, and excercises all His wisdom and power for you according to His good pleasure. A God who loves you and keeps your tears in a bottle! He cares to know each tear that falls from your cheek and each restless tossing in your life. God, the creator, ruler, and king, keeps tracks of your tears when you cry to Him. Then he says, He is on your side. Do not be afraid. Trust in Him, and be amazed at this kind of God. Rejoice....always.
These are some words that I've been holding onto. Hopefully at the same time, learning to hold on to them for dear life. For those of you who don't know, I'm dealing with fears right now after having just graduated from college and going out to hopefully do missions the next few months starting in the fall. (I'm working on my applications right now, so please keep me in your prayers.) From then on, I feel like God may be calling me to ministry. It's been something He's been putting in my heart the last couple of years. This comes with a lot of uncertainties and fears which I was referring to in the beginning of this entry. I 've never really openly discussed this with many people, so I think it's interesting to write this out in a public xanga. Do I feel able, capable, suitable for these things? There are times that I feel, 'no, not in the slightest.' Do I know what's to happen with all my other dreams that I had envisioned for myself? No, I don't, but I need to believe God will give me all that is good for me, supplying my needs according to his glorious riches. I have no idea what my future may look like, but I want to be obedient no matter what the cost. Is it at times painful? Yes it often is. Has following Christ ever meant that things would be easier in this world? No, I dont think so. I am not at home in this world. I found the words of Jim Elliot (a modern martyr and lover of Christ) as he struggled to explain his calling to be a missionary to his family and close friends helpful when thinking about these things:
"I do not wonder that you were saddned at the word of my going to South America," he replied on August 8. "This is nothing else than what the Lord Jesus warned us of when He told the disciples that they must become so infatuated with the kingdom and following Him that all other allegiances must become as though they were not. And He never excluded the family tie. In fact, those loves that we regard as closest, He told us must become as hate in comparison with our desires to uphold His cause. Grieve not, then, if your sons seem to desert you, but rejoice, rather, seeing the will of God done gladly. Remember how the Psalmist described children? He said that they were as an heritage from the Lord, and that every man should be happy who had his quiver full of them. And what is a quiver full of but arrows? And what are arrows for but to shoot? So, with the strong arms of prayer, draw the bowstring back and let the arrows fly - all of them, straight at the Enemy's hosts.
"Give of thy sons to bear the message glorious, Give of thy wealth to speed them on their way, Pour out thy soul for them in prayer victorious, And all thou spendest Jesus will repay."
(Elisabeth Elliot, Shadow of the Almighty: The Life and Testament of Jim Elliot, p. 132)
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
on to the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand
But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand
But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them lookin' down
I soar with the wings of EAGLES
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe
- Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns
|
